The Things People {Idiots} Say

I learned at a very young age NEVER to ask a woman if she was pregnant. It was one of the great lessons I learned from my mom...that, and if you have the choice between flats and heels, sometimes pain is beauty.

Unfortunately for my mom, she enforced this rule so strictly upon me because of her own misstep. Years ago, she ran into an old friend in the supermarket and happily exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, I didn't know you were expecting again." The woman frowned and abruptly stated, "I'm not." The way my mom tells it is that the woman {although, not sure she used that exact word} was wearing the same maternity mu mu that she had been wearing a year ago when she WAS expecting. Who does that!?

As a result, I never wear maternity unless I'm pregnant AND I never ask a woman if she's pregnant unless I'm in the delivery room and the baby is crowning. Seriously. My question is, how come I'm the only person that was actually taught this lesson? I mean, this is an important one folks.

I mention all this because I'm about 36 weeks pregnant, though I feel as though I'm 40. I'm uncomfortable. I cannot walk without waddling. Just standing hurts. And some days I feel like TLC is going to show up with a camera crew and film an episode of that show where the person is too large to make it out of their front door without a crane and they've been living in their lazy boy for 7 years.  I can't put on my own shoes so I opt for flip flops or flats {sorry mom}. I've started getting those looks like "Oh my God, she's gonna blow any second." It's these last 4 weeks where people completely lose their filter {or ability to use their brain} and engage in what I like to call "verbal diarrhea."

So, in honor of my discomfort, I've compiled a list for you of what NOT to say to a preggo...I've also taken the liberty to explain why these questions are inappropriate...in case you were never taught by your mother. Free of charge. Life lessons here folks.

1. "OMG, you must be due ANY day!?"
-See here's why this is rude. I'm not due any day. I actually have 4 long, disgusting and uncomfortable weeks to go. Really not close at all. AND chances are that I will get bigger than I am now. So, yeah, don't ask this.
2. {As a follow up to question 1} "Are you sure?"
-Really!? You're going to argue with me on this? I have more hormones in the tip of my pinky finger than you will ever know or feel in your entire life. Do not push me to my already-teetering-on-crazy limit.
3. "Are you having twins?"
-Just don't. There's no point in insinuating that a woman is so large she might actually be carrying two fetuses instead of one. Let her offer this piece of information if she'd like to explain why she's huge, but no need to inquire.
4. "Oh honey, you look so uncomfortable"
-Thanks. I hadn't noticed. But now that you pointed it out. I realize that, yes, I have a watermelon inside my ever-expanding uterus. I actually have a foot inside my ribcage. There are things happening in my nether-regions that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So, yeah, I'm a little uncomfortable. But you don't need to point it out. I know.
5. "Whoa"
-I have actually walked by people and heard them say this under their breath. Next time it happens, I swear I'm going to say "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?" Would you ever in a million years say "whoa" when a non-pregnant woman walks by? No. So why now?
6. {And my personal favorite} "When are you due?"
-Now let me explain, because I get this one a lot and it actually doesn't bother me...now. When it does bother me, though, is when I've already HAD my baby and am standing there with the infant. It would be impossible for me to have an 8 week old and be pregnant and showing. Now, yes, I could still be carrying some old {son of bitch, bastard} baby weight but this is when you have to show some restraint and use that other lump, 3 feet above your ass. I'm not pregnant. I just had a freaking baby and am just, well, fat. Deal with it.

On a side note, #6 inevitably will happen at the nail salon. Getting a pedicure is one of the worst things you can do for your self-esteem after you've had a baby. Those women are just plain mean. The nail ladies manage to combine life lessons 1-6 into one question and then when you answer in a completely bitchy response, they talk about you in their native tongue. I've gotten off track. We'll save the nail ladies for another day. Give them another "shout out" when the time is right.

For now, here's to 250 days down, 30 to go...

35.5 weeks..."whoa!"