Making Room for Baby...Literally

I was told by someone  recently {thanks Dad} that my previous post had me sounding like a bitter, cynical, preggo almost-mom-to-three-kids {who me?} and that I ought to try and lighten {not a lot of that going on lately} the mood in my subsequent posts. Or at least watch the "shit" and "ass talk"...so here's my best effort.

This week, I kicked my urge to nest's ass, er butt. We are making some serious moves at the Beach House. Check it out. Here's Rylan's new "really big girl" room. She loves her new queen-sized bed. Most mornings we find her sideways in it. Think she's still getting used the size. What could be more appropriate than stripes, polka dots and zebra? Oh, and note the video camera mounted on the wall. Yeah, we'll have that there until she graduates high school. Sorry, Ry, but you have my DNA, which means there are all sorts of shenanigans we can look forward to. In case your wondering, yes, Rylan loses all of her privacy because of the "choices" I made in high school. Sorry, girlfriend. It is what it is.

And then there's the Dude's new digs. I made the brilliant decision when I was pregnant with Sawyer to buy the twin bedding that matched his crib set. Brilliant! This way, we wouldn't have to re-do his room 2-3 yrs after he was born because we couldn't find any twin-sized cowboy bedding, make sense? Highly recommend this decision to any first-time preggo 3B430 blog readers. He loves his big boy bed and has yet to get out of it in the middle of the night or even in the morning. Think he may be scared. We're going with it. "Yes, Sawyer, it's very scary to get out of bed in the middle of the night. Don't try it." Is that bad?? No judgements thanks. My toughest {please, #3, don't make me eat my words} kid has actually made a major toddler milestone easy.  Who knew?

Here's a sneak peek of #3's home once he/she is out-of-utero. It's not complete. But I do take comfort in knowing that if I go into labor tomorrow, the kid will have a place to crash that's not in our bed/room. Eeek. No offense to moms who do a "family bed"...It's just not for me. Anywhoo, a sneak peek of "Beach-wood Forest." More pics to come once it's complete.

Voila! Originally, I didn't want to do a gender-neutral nursery. I hated the idea of a yellow nursery. I was actually going to wait, pick a bedding set for a boy and a girl and then order it from the hospital after delivery. Can you imagine what would have happened to me and my urge to nest if I had done that? Sweet Jesus. Eric would have divorced me. So we decided to go with a forest theme. Yes, it's blue {torquoise} and green. But I figure if it's a girl {which, btw, we don't think it is} we could add some birds/fairies, etc and if it's a boy we can masculine-it-up a bit with some {deep voice} manly deer and "felt-idermy"...yes, it exists. Yes, it's one of the fabulous things I discovered after spending a disgusting amount of time on Etsy.com. Did I mention I could decorate my house completely in wall decals if I wanted to? I have issues.

Sarah Palin, eat your heart out...

Amazing, right?!! Felt-idermy. Genius.

And then there's me. Making room for baby, literally. I have feet in my rib cage. This baby kicks so hard it wakes me up from my sleep. If it's a girl? She's a rock-ette. A boy? A punter {sorry, babe. I know you're not a huge fan of punters. I couldn't think of a more masculine guy who kicks. Wait! got it.} Take 2. A boy? Beckham. And I think this is where I become bitter and cynical so I'll try and honor LT's wishes. I gained 4 lbs in 2 weeks. Oh the gluttony. Seriously!? That just sounds unhealthy to me. But, Doc says I'm good to go and has yet to have the come-to-Jesus "honey, you need to slow down" conversation with me, so I digress, enjoying my Mike and Ike's {seriously, the best EVER} and satiating myself on portions large enough to feed Secretariat.

Thar she blows folks. 32 weeks. 8 weeks to go {eek!! screams of panic and terror}

Final count: 2 "shits". 1 "ass". An improvement? I think so...

Nesting my freaking ass off...

Let me just start by saying I don't intend to have every blog post from here on out have something to do with my ass...this one really won't. The back-to-back "ass-titled" posts are just a coincidence in this case.

Moving on, I don't remember having the urge to nest this badly in my previous pregnancies. Perhaps it's because my Type-A self had Rylan's nursery done two weeks after the positive pregnancy test and Sawyer's nursery was complete when I was about 6 months pregnant. Now, granted, this time around I have a 4 and 2 year old keeping me busy but I'm also starting to think I've been living in denial that #3 is coming, ready or not.

Currently, if you're keeping track (and maybe you should start because, clearly, I'm doing a shitty job) I have 11 weeks, 4 days until my due date. That's 81 days until April 1. Now, I've also delivered two babies prior to their due date so who knows how long we've really got. I wouldn't mind an extra 4 weeks or so...but that could be a disaster for my growing ass so let's not go there. Sorry, more ass talk. Let's just say 10 weeks. 10 weeks before we become a party of 5. Oh My God. I hope there's a lot of booze at that party.

So here's what has to happen before #3 debuts.

1. Move queen bed from guest bedroom to Rylan's room.
2. Buy queen bedding for Ry's new bed
3. Move Sawyer's crib to the guest bedroom for #3
4. Move Rylan's twin bed to Sawyer's room
5. Paint guest bedroom
6. Sell Armoire in guest bedroom on craigslist (oh, craigslist, I'll touch on this in a sec)
7. Drink a shot or two of whiskey because I can't deal. I feel like my life is freaking musical rooms

As I mentioned in #6, I've been listing things on craigslist as a way to make room for the new things that we need/get rid of things we don't. You know, nest. Now craigslist doesn't have a section for "hormone crazy preggos that are trying to nest"...it's just called "items for sale" in the "baby/kids" section. Craig should think about making a change. This way, assholes would know what and who they're dealing with before they sent an idiotic email inquiring about an item. Seriously, Lifetime, get ready to write the script for Craigslist Killer part 2. I'll be the star. I'm going to kick someone's ass.

Let me just paint the picture for you so you can have a better idea of the conversations I've had in the past week. Honestly, I've had more enlightening conversations with my two year old:

A question from a buyer regarding this post titled "Babies R Us Pink Chenille Glider w/ Ottoman - $225 (Costa Mesa, CA)"

You ready? I really can't make this stuff up. Here it is:

Buyer:"Where are you located and can you tell me how much?"

Now, I did go to college (and kindergarten for that matter) so I know how to read and I know that this woman could have answered her own question simply by reading the headline of the ad. I mean, is she blind? What a waste of freaking space.

Here's another one:

My Post: "Babies R Us Chocolate Brown Suede Rocking Chair and Ottoman - $225 (Costa Mesa, CA)"

Buyer: "hi. do you still have rocking chair? is it supper comfy?? I will buy it today what is your absolute best price? and where abouts are you in costa mesa?

Me: "$225 is actually my bottom line. the set was purchased for over $500 so it's a great deal. we're in eastiside costa mesa/newport heights area...just off the 55 south. let me know if you're still interested."

Buyer: "yes. i am interested."

Um, ok. WTF!? Dear buyer, are you trying to drive me crazy? Because, you've succeeded. And, BTW, "super" is only spelled with one "p" you moron.

For the record, this guy was never heard from again. Who does that!?

Here's the thing (and I know this post is turning into a rant so I'll wrap it up here shortly) shopping on Craigslist means you're already getting a deal. Wanna know why? Because your cheap ass would be paying full price if you were buying it from the store. So, if you're shopping on craigslist, chances are you are already getting a discounted price. Don't ask me what my best price is. The price listed IS my best price. Take it or leave it.

I'm going to end it with that thought. I can feel my blood pressure increasing. God forbid I get preeclampsia and this baby arrives "supper" early. Here's to the next 81 days. Bear with me.

New Year. New Post...New Ass.

It happened. I was sailing along beautifully (if I do say so myself). I was being cautious, but not obsessed. I was enjoying every bite. But not EVERY bite. And then "BOOM!." Just like the smack of the big girl dropping her tray at the all-you-can-eat buffet, I got fat. I don't know what happened. I mean, I know it has something to do with the holidays. Even after Christmas dinner when I had eaten so much that I could barely migrate from the table to the couch without emitting a whale song...I still asked for pie. I couldn't help it. It was a homemade pie. It was going to go to waste and I just couldn't stomach it. What's worse, is that after that one slice of pie that sent me in to a tailspin of discomfort and gluttony, I couldn't just throw the rest of it away. We kept the box in the fridge and had a slice a night after dinner for a week. We finally threw it away two nights ago. But it was too late. The damage was done. I realized last night that if you listen carefully at meal time, you can actually hear me "moo-ing." I no longer eat from a plate. I eat from a trough.

Here's the disappointing part. I've had two pregnancies where I truly have eaten everything in sight. All discipline out the window. I mean, with Sawyer, I stopped counting my weight once I gained 60 pounds because I was so disgusted with myself. It truly got ugly.  AND, because I've done this two times before, I know how hard it is to lose the weight after the baby comes. Gone are the delicious memories of that third slice of pie you ate from the trough after your second helping of Christmas dinner. All that's left is that pesky stretch mark and extra roll (and I'm not talking dinner) that you have to spend the next 6 months cursing at the gym.

So where do I go from here? Now that I've realized that my dreams of living out the remaing 12 weeks of pregnancy looking like Nicole Richie have gone down the hatch like that last slice of pie? Well, for one, I'm strongly re-thinking that maternity photo sesh that I swore I'd finally do this time around. I mean, unless Theresa has the latest magic version of Photoshop...because, really!? What am I going to do with a few 11x14 bovine-esq shots of moi? Hang them over the mantle? No thanks. And, sorry 22 loyal readers, because it's my blog and I have the power, probably no more week by week (I know, this hasn't been the case...I'm more on a post-every-7-week sched now anyways. Forgive me, the kids are playing in the liquor cabinet now as I type. I'm a little busy.) belly pics. I'll leave you with a few today just so you don't feel you've been given the shaft...but other than that, pics are going under strict lock and key until further approval (photoshop editing) from me. Did you know you can smooth out a double chin!? I do. Because I've actually had to request this. A few times.

Here it is...in all it's glory. Just one EZ-Take-out burger away from a natural disaster...

27.5 Weeks

And just so you don't think I'm one of those girls that talks about how huge she was but really wasn't...here's proof that I was massive when I was pregnant with Sawyer.

Go ahead. You can gasp. I do. Honestly, the pillow should say "Food Magnet."

And since we're having so much fun, here's a pic of me one week before I delivered Sawyer. Brace yourself.

 See!? I cannott tell a lie.

Ok, and finally, because I believe we should end on a positive note...Here's our Christmas pic this year. I was like, I don't know, 16 weeks pregnant or something ridic. I thought maybe I'd stay this way and be one of those "only-pregnant-in-the-belly-type preggos." Yeah, not so much. Happy New Year folks.



Kids...er, Preggos Say the Darndest Things

What is it about being pregnant that makes you slur and stutter like a skitzo that forgot to take their meds? I mean, I know I'm sharing my body with a tiny human but really!? I just can't spit it out. Example? Glady...

Today I ran into a client from YAS (the spin/yoga studio where I teach) in line at the gas station. Here's how the conversation went:

ME: "Hey Rick!"
RICK [looking puzzled]: "Hey!"
ME: "It's me, Leigh from YAS"
RICK: "Oh, hey Leigh. Yeah, how ya doing."
ME: "Yeah, good. I know, you're not used to seeing me with my clothes on."

[Insert silence and awkward stares from Rick and everyone else in line for gas here]

What I meant to say was "You're not used to seeing me with NORMAL clothes on"...since we have to wear uniforms at YAS...oh, and because I usually roll out of bed, throw my hair in a ponytail and barely manage to brush my teeth. Few of my clients truly know that I am capable of looking [ahem] quite good. They never see me with make up on or my hair done.

Regardless, these inopportune slips of the tongue happen to me all the time these days...what's worse is that they usually happen at YAS, when I'm teaching, WITH A MICROPHONE ON...leaving little room for pretending like no one may have heard me. Chances are, they did. Fortunately for my clients, this is my last month teaching and attempting to inspire them with non-sensical gems like "dig it" instead of "dig deep" or "find your wind" instead of "find your second wind" or "fklsnjskhflsdjok-blah" when I can't get anything else to come out. It's been a fun ride, literally. I'm hoping that I'll bounce right back after #3 comes along and be back teaching by June. We shall see.

Here's to 19.5 more weeks of slurring like a sailor.

20.5 Weeks, but whose counting?

So Much Pressure...

...Who knew that Blogging would create this type of anxiety!? When is my next post? What am I going to write about? Holy shizola. It's all I think about. So today, in order to relieve a little pressure, just a small update on the happs of the Beach fam:

Ry got her ears pierced! She'd been talking about it for a while and so we bit the bullet and took her. Not sure she knew what she was getting in to. You can see here she was a little nervous. Sawyer thought it was awesome.

Please don't judge. She actually really wanted to do it. After it was over, an older woman walked by and gave me a death look...as if piercing a 4yr old's ears is the first step in her working the pole. Ear piercing is apparently the new gateway drug. Today pierced ears, tomorrow she'll be drinking 40s out of a paper bag and ditching preschool. Come on people. They're just earrings.

When all was said and done, she stopped crying after I gave her a mirror and she saw the results. She spent the rest of the day in the bathroom staring at her new accessories. Hopefully, this will hold her off on the belly button and tongue. Not sure how I'm going to explain that one to the kids.

And then there's this...16 weeks and counting.

What I NEED vs. What He Thinks I Need

Needs vs. Wants. The age-old debate. Eric and I have very different ideas about what falls where. Over the past 6 years of marriage, I think I've gotten a lot better. Scaled back, so-to-speak. Especially in this economy. Things that I "want" are no longer things that I "need." Except for one thing. A car. I'm sorry. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I got a brand-new 97' VW Jetta when I turned 16. Or that I got another brand new 99' VW Jetta again, two years later, for high school graduation. Whatever. I blame my father for that. However, I admit that I'm a car snob. And when we found out about baby #3 on the way, my first thoughts (after the initial excitement, yada yada yada) were "Yes! I get a new car." What is it about a new car. The smell. The feel. The new features. Amazing.

So, I've compiled a list of features that I want, er NEED to have:

Navigation: 
My next car will have it. And not a hand-held Garmin one that you mount to the dash either. A real Navigation system, built in. With bluetooth and voice command too, if I'm really lucky. Eric HAS navigation in his car and still uses Mapquest. I'm not kidding. How many times am I driving and we say "Where should we eat?" and Eric says, "Just keep driving, I'm sure there is a Chipolte just up the road." So we drive for 20 minutes before he gets antsy and drives home to order Domino's. Navigation solves this problem and so many others. It's really a time saver. Navigation = Need.


DVD Players:
Do you hear that? No? Nothing? That's because it's the sound of silence. I'm driving and my kids are quiet. Happily enjoying Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Yo Gabba Gabba for the zillionth time from the comfort of their car seat. Now skeptics will say, "What type of children are we raising here? When I was growing up, we never dreamed of having movies in the car." You know how I respond? "On a scale of 1-10, what's your mother's sanity level?" I'm teetering right on a 6-7 now, and that's with two kids. In the car, it shoots up to a 9.5. Throw a third kid in the mix and I'll be an everyday skitzofrenic with a hideous case of road-rage. Don't be confused. The DVD players are not for the kids. They're for mommy. DVD Players = Need.

Captains Chairs:
As of April 2011, we'll have three car seats in the car. As it stands now, 3 car seats will physically not fit 3 in a row across in my car. Don't panic. I'm getting a new car. In my Volvo XC90, I have a third row, however this third row is useless to me for a few reasons. 1. You can't access it from the second row when you have two car seats locked to the seat. The second row seats cannot slide forward. 2.You could push the middle seat down and crawl through to the third row, but guess what? In my car, you're not allowed to put a car seat in the third row...which makes the third row moot because unless you are an adult with no legs, the third row in my car is too small for you. 3. With the third row up for my friend with torso-only, the double stroller will not fit in the back of the car. This brings me to captains chairs or quad seats. Instead of a bench in the second row, I want (NEED) just two large captains chairs and a space large enough for me to walk through to put the kids in their car seats in the third row. Then I'll just click the baby into his/her seat in the second row and have enough room for 3 more adults to come along for the quiet ride. Remember, my car plays movies. Captains Chairs = NEED.

Automatic Tailgate:
Now this is something that even I didn't think I needed. Until I had a second child. And started grocery shopping. And schlepping shit in the back of an SUV. Do you know how many times a day I access my trunk? In all seriousness, it has to be in the millions. The tailgate is freaking heavy. Have you ever tried to close a tailgate with a baby in your arms? Do you know how wonderful life would be if I could push a button and it would beep at me to move out of the way and just shut on it's own. Hear that? Angels are singing. Automatic Tailgate = NEED.

OnStar:
If you're like me (chances are you're not) and have locked both your children in the car, with the keys, then you can see why OnStar is a Need. Next time I do this, I can simply pick up my phone (if I didn't lock that in the car too, which I did today) and call the OnStar lady that lives in this magical tower in the sky (right?) and ask her to press the button to unlock the car. Easy. OnStar = NEED. PS, I locked Sawyer in the car today with the keys...but since I had done this previously one time before, I didn't need to dial 911. I just had the auto shop guys from across the street from his preschool come on over and pick the lock. The firemen damaged the door the last time they had to rescue one of my children from the sweltering heat of the locked car so there was plenty of room for the auto shop guy to slide his metal stick in the window and pop the lock. If you're a car thief reading this post, I'm only kidding. And I have low jack.

So, what car could possibly accommodate all of the Beach Family's needs you ask? Look no further than the Cadillac Escalade ESV. This SUV has it all. And it has to be mine. Oh, it will be mine. Eric thinks I'm ri-diculous. Spoiled. "So La Jolla." Guess what? Homey moved to California and married me (best move he ever made.) What did he think he was going to find in Southern California? I don't care. I dream about this car at night. And to prove that I'm not spoiled, I even offered to get a used one. Can you believe? I'm so accommodating. And clearly, I don't NEED a new one. See, I've really come a long way. Here's the clincher. My lease is up March 24, 2011. Baby is due April 1. Oh, it's so on. Counting down the days to quiet driving.

What I NEED

What He thinks I NEED

What I swear I will drive instead if he gets me a minivan

Pregnant on Aisle 4!

Ok, what is it about buying a pregnancy test that makes you feel so wrong? Really! I don't get it. I'm a responsible adult - most of the time. I'm allowed to get pregnant. What is it about that pesky little pink box that screams - "This girl had sex! She might be knocked up!" Ugh. Why is it so uncomfortable? Well, I certainly learned my lesson this time. This time around, I decided to purchase my tests at the grocery store. Why? Well, because the freaking things are expensive and I had a coupon for my local Ralph's. I should have just paid the extra $10 to save myself the humiliation. Instead of waiting in the line with the rest of my groceries, I decided to play it safe and use the self-check out. I didn't want to risk being seen at our neighborhood store by anyone I might know. I might as well have had a king-sized bottle of KY Jelly in my cart. I cruised up to the self-check, quickly started to scan my items and place them in the bag. I was safe. Or so I thought. I handed my coupon to the woman who oversees the self check stations. Here's where it started to go downhill. "Oh, honey," she says, "You didn't spend $25 to get the $10 savings." Me: "Oh, yes, actually, I spent $30." Her: "There's no way. You only bought 3 items." Me (getting annoyed): "Yes, and they totaled $30." Her: "Well, what did you buy that was so expensive." Me: "I bought freaking pregnancy tests lady!" You could have heard a pin-drop. Bring on the uncomfortable silence. It should have been the end of it. She should have just scanned the coupon and sent me on my way...but here's where I learned that you should always buy "sensitive" items from the pharmacy window. I think they've actually gone through training so as to never adversely react to anything "strange" you may have purchased. Clearly the Ralph's clerk missed the training. Her: "Really, you think you might be pregnant?" In my head I thought- did she really just go there? Oh, she was just getting warmed up. "How old are you? You look 17! Would this be your first baby?" Me: "Actually, this would be my 3rd." And here's where the shit really hit the fan. "OMG! 3! Are you sure!? I mean 3 is a lot of work." And now I'm getting unsolicited parenting advice from the self-checkout clerk - which, I might add, would be alright if I had asked for her opinion. But I didn't. My attempt to sneak in and out of my local Ralph's with pregnancy tests had completely failed. Finally she scanned my coupon and I was on my way. But I still see her every Monday when I do my grocery shopping and she gives me the "is she/isn't she?" look. I swore I wouldn't have a third baby shower but I have a feeling this lady might offer to throw me one. Lesson learned. Since this is our last baby, I will (hopefully) never have to buy pregnancy tests again but you better believe that any other "sensitive" purchases are going straight to the non-judging pharmacist.