Kids...er, Preggos Say the Darndest Things

What is it about being pregnant that makes you slur and stutter like a skitzo that forgot to take their meds? I mean, I know I'm sharing my body with a tiny human but really!? I just can't spit it out. Example? Glady...

Today I ran into a client from YAS (the spin/yoga studio where I teach) in line at the gas station. Here's how the conversation went:

ME: "Hey Rick!"
RICK [looking puzzled]: "Hey!"
ME: "It's me, Leigh from YAS"
RICK: "Oh, hey Leigh. Yeah, how ya doing."
ME: "Yeah, good. I know, you're not used to seeing me with my clothes on."

[Insert silence and awkward stares from Rick and everyone else in line for gas here]

What I meant to say was "You're not used to seeing me with NORMAL clothes on"...since we have to wear uniforms at YAS...oh, and because I usually roll out of bed, throw my hair in a ponytail and barely manage to brush my teeth. Few of my clients truly know that I am capable of looking [ahem] quite good. They never see me with make up on or my hair done.

Regardless, these inopportune slips of the tongue happen to me all the time these days...what's worse is that they usually happen at YAS, when I'm teaching, WITH A MICROPHONE ON...leaving little room for pretending like no one may have heard me. Chances are, they did. Fortunately for my clients, this is my last month teaching and attempting to inspire them with non-sensical gems like "dig it" instead of "dig deep" or "find your wind" instead of "find your second wind" or "fklsnjskhflsdjok-blah" when I can't get anything else to come out. It's been a fun ride, literally. I'm hoping that I'll bounce right back after #3 comes along and be back teaching by June. We shall see.

Here's to 19.5 more weeks of slurring like a sailor.

20.5 Weeks, but whose counting?

So Much Pressure...

...Who knew that Blogging would create this type of anxiety!? When is my next post? What am I going to write about? Holy shizola. It's all I think about. So today, in order to relieve a little pressure, just a small update on the happs of the Beach fam:

Ry got her ears pierced! She'd been talking about it for a while and so we bit the bullet and took her. Not sure she knew what she was getting in to. You can see here she was a little nervous. Sawyer thought it was awesome.

Please don't judge. She actually really wanted to do it. After it was over, an older woman walked by and gave me a death look...as if piercing a 4yr old's ears is the first step in her working the pole. Ear piercing is apparently the new gateway drug. Today pierced ears, tomorrow she'll be drinking 40s out of a paper bag and ditching preschool. Come on people. They're just earrings.

When all was said and done, she stopped crying after I gave her a mirror and she saw the results. She spent the rest of the day in the bathroom staring at her new accessories. Hopefully, this will hold her off on the belly button and tongue. Not sure how I'm going to explain that one to the kids.

And then there's this...16 weeks and counting.

What I NEED vs. What He Thinks I Need

Needs vs. Wants. The age-old debate. Eric and I have very different ideas about what falls where. Over the past 6 years of marriage, I think I've gotten a lot better. Scaled back, so-to-speak. Especially in this economy. Things that I "want" are no longer things that I "need." Except for one thing. A car. I'm sorry. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I got a brand-new 97' VW Jetta when I turned 16. Or that I got another brand new 99' VW Jetta again, two years later, for high school graduation. Whatever. I blame my father for that. However, I admit that I'm a car snob. And when we found out about baby #3 on the way, my first thoughts (after the initial excitement, yada yada yada) were "Yes! I get a new car." What is it about a new car. The smell. The feel. The new features. Amazing.

So, I've compiled a list of features that I want, er NEED to have:

Navigation: 
My next car will have it. And not a hand-held Garmin one that you mount to the dash either. A real Navigation system, built in. With bluetooth and voice command too, if I'm really lucky. Eric HAS navigation in his car and still uses Mapquest. I'm not kidding. How many times am I driving and we say "Where should we eat?" and Eric says, "Just keep driving, I'm sure there is a Chipolte just up the road." So we drive for 20 minutes before he gets antsy and drives home to order Domino's. Navigation solves this problem and so many others. It's really a time saver. Navigation = Need.


DVD Players:
Do you hear that? No? Nothing? That's because it's the sound of silence. I'm driving and my kids are quiet. Happily enjoying Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Yo Gabba Gabba for the zillionth time from the comfort of their car seat. Now skeptics will say, "What type of children are we raising here? When I was growing up, we never dreamed of having movies in the car." You know how I respond? "On a scale of 1-10, what's your mother's sanity level?" I'm teetering right on a 6-7 now, and that's with two kids. In the car, it shoots up to a 9.5. Throw a third kid in the mix and I'll be an everyday skitzofrenic with a hideous case of road-rage. Don't be confused. The DVD players are not for the kids. They're for mommy. DVD Players = Need.

Captains Chairs:
As of April 2011, we'll have three car seats in the car. As it stands now, 3 car seats will physically not fit 3 in a row across in my car. Don't panic. I'm getting a new car. In my Volvo XC90, I have a third row, however this third row is useless to me for a few reasons. 1. You can't access it from the second row when you have two car seats locked to the seat. The second row seats cannot slide forward. 2.You could push the middle seat down and crawl through to the third row, but guess what? In my car, you're not allowed to put a car seat in the third row...which makes the third row moot because unless you are an adult with no legs, the third row in my car is too small for you. 3. With the third row up for my friend with torso-only, the double stroller will not fit in the back of the car. This brings me to captains chairs or quad seats. Instead of a bench in the second row, I want (NEED) just two large captains chairs and a space large enough for me to walk through to put the kids in their car seats in the third row. Then I'll just click the baby into his/her seat in the second row and have enough room for 3 more adults to come along for the quiet ride. Remember, my car plays movies. Captains Chairs = NEED.

Automatic Tailgate:
Now this is something that even I didn't think I needed. Until I had a second child. And started grocery shopping. And schlepping shit in the back of an SUV. Do you know how many times a day I access my trunk? In all seriousness, it has to be in the millions. The tailgate is freaking heavy. Have you ever tried to close a tailgate with a baby in your arms? Do you know how wonderful life would be if I could push a button and it would beep at me to move out of the way and just shut on it's own. Hear that? Angels are singing. Automatic Tailgate = NEED.

OnStar:
If you're like me (chances are you're not) and have locked both your children in the car, with the keys, then you can see why OnStar is a Need. Next time I do this, I can simply pick up my phone (if I didn't lock that in the car too, which I did today) and call the OnStar lady that lives in this magical tower in the sky (right?) and ask her to press the button to unlock the car. Easy. OnStar = NEED. PS, I locked Sawyer in the car today with the keys...but since I had done this previously one time before, I didn't need to dial 911. I just had the auto shop guys from across the street from his preschool come on over and pick the lock. The firemen damaged the door the last time they had to rescue one of my children from the sweltering heat of the locked car so there was plenty of room for the auto shop guy to slide his metal stick in the window and pop the lock. If you're a car thief reading this post, I'm only kidding. And I have low jack.

So, what car could possibly accommodate all of the Beach Family's needs you ask? Look no further than the Cadillac Escalade ESV. This SUV has it all. And it has to be mine. Oh, it will be mine. Eric thinks I'm ri-diculous. Spoiled. "So La Jolla." Guess what? Homey moved to California and married me (best move he ever made.) What did he think he was going to find in Southern California? I don't care. I dream about this car at night. And to prove that I'm not spoiled, I even offered to get a used one. Can you believe? I'm so accommodating. And clearly, I don't NEED a new one. See, I've really come a long way. Here's the clincher. My lease is up March 24, 2011. Baby is due April 1. Oh, it's so on. Counting down the days to quiet driving.

What I NEED

What He thinks I NEED

What I swear I will drive instead if he gets me a minivan

Pregnant on Aisle 4!

Ok, what is it about buying a pregnancy test that makes you feel so wrong? Really! I don't get it. I'm a responsible adult - most of the time. I'm allowed to get pregnant. What is it about that pesky little pink box that screams - "This girl had sex! She might be knocked up!" Ugh. Why is it so uncomfortable? Well, I certainly learned my lesson this time. This time around, I decided to purchase my tests at the grocery store. Why? Well, because the freaking things are expensive and I had a coupon for my local Ralph's. I should have just paid the extra $10 to save myself the humiliation. Instead of waiting in the line with the rest of my groceries, I decided to play it safe and use the self-check out. I didn't want to risk being seen at our neighborhood store by anyone I might know. I might as well have had a king-sized bottle of KY Jelly in my cart. I cruised up to the self-check, quickly started to scan my items and place them in the bag. I was safe. Or so I thought. I handed my coupon to the woman who oversees the self check stations. Here's where it started to go downhill. "Oh, honey," she says, "You didn't spend $25 to get the $10 savings." Me: "Oh, yes, actually, I spent $30." Her: "There's no way. You only bought 3 items." Me (getting annoyed): "Yes, and they totaled $30." Her: "Well, what did you buy that was so expensive." Me: "I bought freaking pregnancy tests lady!" You could have heard a pin-drop. Bring on the uncomfortable silence. It should have been the end of it. She should have just scanned the coupon and sent me on my way...but here's where I learned that you should always buy "sensitive" items from the pharmacy window. I think they've actually gone through training so as to never adversely react to anything "strange" you may have purchased. Clearly the Ralph's clerk missed the training. Her: "Really, you think you might be pregnant?" In my head I thought- did she really just go there? Oh, she was just getting warmed up. "How old are you? You look 17! Would this be your first baby?" Me: "Actually, this would be my 3rd." And here's where the shit really hit the fan. "OMG! 3! Are you sure!? I mean 3 is a lot of work." And now I'm getting unsolicited parenting advice from the self-checkout clerk - which, I might add, would be alright if I had asked for her opinion. But I didn't. My attempt to sneak in and out of my local Ralph's with pregnancy tests had completely failed. Finally she scanned my coupon and I was on my way. But I still see her every Monday when I do my grocery shopping and she gives me the "is she/isn't she?" look. I swore I wouldn't have a third baby shower but I have a feeling this lady might offer to throw me one. Lesson learned. Since this is our last baby, I will (hopefully) never have to buy pregnancy tests again but you better believe that any other "sensitive" purchases are going straight to the non-judging pharmacist.

Third Times a Charm

That's right. Your eyes are not fooling you. We pulled the goalie. Eric sneezed and I got pregnant. I'm a baby-making machine. Here we go again...for the last time, I should say. I've always wanted three kids...and now, come April 1, 2011, my wish will come true [insert anxiety here.] In honor of this massive change to our lives staring at us from 9 months away, I've decided to start a blog. Really, it was just time. Here you'll be able to follow the tales of the Beach family through the eyes of moi. I must warn you though: Being as how I have a 4 yr old and 2.5 yr old and have been told I can no longer swear because my kids have started dropping f-bombs on the playground, there will be no filter on my blog. Here I can (and will) be able to drop in a good ole fashion curse word wherever I deem it's applicable. Thank goodness for me, my kids can't read. If at some point, you find yourself offended, you are more than welcome to drop me from your reading list. Anywhoo, here's to a happy and healthy 9 (it's actually really 10- pisses me off) months. Cheers [clink]. That was me toasting my non-alcoholic beverage (cue tears.) xo, L