www.teachmykidstoswimforfree.com??

About three years ago, Eric and I had the brilliant decision {must have been after a night of heavy drinking} to dump the majority of our savings into our house and build a swimming pool. Seemed like a good idea at the time. An investment. Fast-forward to today and we often find ourselves saying, "well if we lose it all, at least we can still work on our tan poolside." Or "you think the kids would want pool water for dinner?" Or "Instead of college, can we just send the kids to the backyard?" Honestly, it wasn't our smartest move. But we did it and we love it. No looking back. We spend most weeknights and weekends hanging by the pool with our closest friends. We love having people over. And Eric has spent the last 2 summers saying that HE was going to teach the kids to swim. Riiiight.

That's right. Our kids can't swim. Not sure how that happened. It's been on the ever-growing list of things to do but somehow just keeps falling to the bottom. Pun intended. I decided this is the year they HAVE to learn. Rylan is almost 5 and the majority of her friends can swim. We just had some friends in from out of town last weekend and my kids sat on the step in the shallow end and watched in envy as these two kids completely showed them up in their own pool and swam circles around them. It sucked.

Here's the problem. I'm married to a man who has a "just throw them in the deep end and see what happens" mentality. That's his idea of teaching them how to swim. Let's let them drown and maybe that will teach them a lesson or two. It's about as good an idea as building the pool itself. As a result, Eric's not really into paying a butt-load of money to get them swimming. Plus, we spent all the money on the gorgeous pool so we can't afford to get them lessons anyway, remember?

Just last weekend he forced Sawyer in to the pool kicking and screaming and proceeded to use the infant swim technique on our 3-yr old. You know the one where you count 1-2-3 and then blow in their face and the baby's natural reaction is to hold their breath and then you dunk? Yeah, it worked when Rylan was 7 months. Well, Eric apparently missed the memo that this is an infant swim technique and decided to try it on Sawyer. Eric blew in his face. Sawyer looked at him like "WTF was that?" and before he knew it he was dunked under water, mouth open and coming up choking, gasping for his life. "No, daddy, pweease" he screamed in between dunks while myself and our friends in from out of town drank beers on the side of the pool. "Does Eric know that only works on infants?" Shanna said. Apparently not.

Seeing as how Eric's infant swim techniques aren't working on our 3 and 5 yr old, here are some other options I came up with:

1. Swim2Mike/Pete/Julie/The bank
This is my type of approach. 2 weeks all-intensive-balls-to-the-wall learn how to swim or your money back. They spend 10 days {m-f for two weeks} with your kid at your own pool for 20 minutes a day. At the end of 2 weeks your kid is a regular freaking flounder. Only problem? It's $360/kid {Total for Ry and Sawyer: $720} Now, for me, this is something I would put in the "worth it" category. Eric's response? "You must be out of your fucking mind. Where's Rylan? I'm throwing her in the deep end." Seriously, he thinks it's ridiculous. Me? I love the idea that it's guaranteed and that they're actually learning to swim, not float on their backs if they fall in. Real swimming. Eric reminded me {like he does so frequently when I talk about spending obscene amounts of money} that I'm spoiled and from La Jolla. Seriously, what does that have to do with anything? We're talking about the safety of our children. Ok, now he says I'm just being dramatic.

2. Waterworks/Blue Buoy
Another option that he found slightly less repulsive. Buy a package of classes {in our case 12 for $259}. Take the kids to the pool facility. Give them a 20-minute semi-private lesson together with a female instructor who's "firm." They'd take 2 lessons each week for 3 weeks and we'd re-evaluate at the end of the sessions and see if we needed more. My guess is that we would. Eric says if they're not still swimming at that point, he'd throw them in the deep end and they'd be better able to work on the whole not-drowning thing. Why is he trying to kill our kids? Problem with option #2 is that I wasn't able to find an opening for a T/TH or W/FRI class that starts after 4pm and is with a woman who is "firm." Why does she need to be "firm"and why does it need to be a woman? Well, I don't think Ry would be very comfortable with a male instructor. Remember, Daddy has already tried to drown her on numerous occasions. The trust level has dwindled. And if it's a woman who's not "firm" then it's basically like taking lessons from me...and we've seen that I'm no better at teaching them then Eric.

Me: "Rylan, want to learn how to swim today?"

Ry: "Not today mommy"

Me: "Ok, time to go inside. Mommy wants a glass of wine."

See? A "firm" female instructor is just the ticket. Except both facilities are booked through summer. So they'll learn next year Eric says. FML.

3. A friend
We've had a few people say "I can teach your kids to swim for free." Of course{no surprise here} Cheapy Mc-Cheaper pants loves this idea but I honestly don't think that the kids will be receptive to learning from someone that they know. We need someone that's gonna lay the smack down on them. No bullshit. Swim or you're grounded until high school approach. Our friends are just too nice. And if they tried to be mean, our kids would see right through it.

This brings us back to square 1. We're up shit creek and don't know how to swim. Which brings up another important point. Sawyer is still crapping his pants. Maybe if Swim2Mike/Julie or Pete could potty train him too, then I'd really be willing to fork out the big bucks. Alas, think they'd work for semi-good wine??

The backyard before...

The backyard after...

The non-swimmers...



Halle{freaking}lujah

I know. You don't have to say anything. I know. I've been neglecting the blog. I'm sorry. I've had writer's block {aka: Saxon}. But I'm back. And I'm coming back in a big way. Why, you ask? Because Saxon slept through the night last night.

For those of you wondering what this means, I'll spell it out for you. It means I can drink again. No, seriously. I know I talk a lot about drinking. And you probably think I drink more than I do. But drinking when you have a newborn is seriously about as fun as squirting lime juice in your eyes. Let me be clear. When you are waking up every 3 hours to feed a newborn, you're already waking up feeling hungover - no booze needed. For the past 11 weeks, I stagger out of bed in the morning looking like a scene from Hangover 2. I do not joke.

I've had zero desire to indulge because why add insult to injury? It's ironic because if there is ever a time to hit the bottle, it's when you have a newborn. But it's really a bad idea. I even decided to push back my 30th birthday party {yup, turned the big 3-0 last week} because getting home from a huge birthday bash only to be woken up by a screaming tiny human sounded like an awful way to ring in this huge milestone. "So, yeah, we'll celebrate when Saxon is sleeping through the night" is what I told everyone.

Now, if you know me, you know that I have serious control issues. As a result, I've sleep-trained all three kids. Yes, that's right. I'm a 'Babywise' mom. I realize that Babywise is like Sarah Palin. Moms either swear by it and think its tactics will be life-changing. Or Babywise foes will tell you that following its methods could give your kids brain damage. Look, at the end of the day, Rylan and Sawyer sleep 12 hours a day and still take a 2 hour nap at ages 4.5 and 3 {respectively}...the jury is still out on Sawyer's mental health - but I'll save that for a different blog post. Middle child. First boy. There are a lot of things working against him besides Babywise.

So how did I do it? Well, we start at 2 weeks old. Before that it's feed on demand. The first two weeks are awful for a Type-A mom. No control. No schedule. Just balls-to-the-wall-I'm-a-slave-for-you-type parenting. So after 2 weeks you start baby on a feed-play-sleep every 3 hour routine. It sounds crazy. But if you're like me, it's great because you're establishing a fool-proof routine. Here's what our day looks like:

8am: Wake and feed {keep awake}
930am: Nap
11am: Wake and feed {keep awake}
1230pm: Nap
2pm: Wake and feed {keep awake}
330pm: Nap
5pm: Wake and feed {keep awake}
8pm: Feed and straight to bed
11pm: Dream feed {feed baby while he/she's asleep and then say your prayers that baby sleeps all the way through until 8am}

In the beginning the baby will naturally wake at 2am and 5am to eat. But as time goes on and the baby learns to sleep longer periods of time, the goal is that he/she will sleep through the 2am and 5am feedings. Do you hear that? {angels are singing}.

Now sometimes babies need a little "help" so-to-speak to drop one or both feedings. This is when the critics will tell you that you're on the fast-track to years of therapy for your kid. Both my boys needed the "help." I think Sawyer would still be eating at 2am if I hadn't forced him to drop that feeding years ago. Saxon was the same way. So 2 weeks ago {and right about the time I made the decision to go back to teaching spin at 6am 3 days a week- I know, brilliant, right?} I decided it was time.

Saxon woke up at 2am like clockwork but instead of feeding him I gave him a pacifier and he went back to sleep. It wasn't actually as easy as that. There were tears involved. From both of us. But the next night, he went right through until 4:30. Yahooo!! The night after that he made it until 5am. So, if you're still with me here, we were now feeding him at 11pm and 5am. Ahh, I can taste that 3rd glass of wine on my lips. 6 hours in a row is magical.

Our next goal was getting him to drop the 5am feeding. And I didn't want to force this one. I really hoped I had one of those kids that would do it on his own. Rylan was like that. She slept through the night at 6 weeks. Overachiever. She may look like Eric, but she's all me folks. So last night when Saxon slept through his 5am feeding Eric and I didn't know what to do with ourselves. Of course we were awake. That first night when they sleep through a feeding, you never do too. We just sat there at 5am watching the monitor waiting for him to wake. He didn't. We're morons.

The last feeding to drop is the "dream feed." And this one is the scariest one, in my opinion. You've just got your kid to sleep from 11pm - 8am without waking up. Why mess with a good thing? What if you don't feed at 11 and he wakes at 5? Truth is, after a week of ensuring the baby can go from 11-8, dropping the dream feed is magical. You know why? Because then your baby is sleeping 12 hours from 8pm to 8am and you're off the wagon telling the Babywise critics to suck it.

That brings us to today. Saxon is 11 weeks old and sleeping straight through from 8pm-8am {with 11pm dream feed}. Next week we'll tackle dropping the dream feed. One week at a time. Tonight Eric and I are off to see Hangover 2 and will throw back a couple to celebrate.

Cheers!