Nesting my freaking ass off...

Let me just start by saying I don't intend to have every blog post from here on out have something to do with my ass...this one really won't. The back-to-back "ass-titled" posts are just a coincidence in this case.

Moving on, I don't remember having the urge to nest this badly in my previous pregnancies. Perhaps it's because my Type-A self had Rylan's nursery done two weeks after the positive pregnancy test and Sawyer's nursery was complete when I was about 6 months pregnant. Now, granted, this time around I have a 4 and 2 year old keeping me busy but I'm also starting to think I've been living in denial that #3 is coming, ready or not.

Currently, if you're keeping track (and maybe you should start because, clearly, I'm doing a shitty job) I have 11 weeks, 4 days until my due date. That's 81 days until April 1. Now, I've also delivered two babies prior to their due date so who knows how long we've really got. I wouldn't mind an extra 4 weeks or so...but that could be a disaster for my growing ass so let's not go there. Sorry, more ass talk. Let's just say 10 weeks. 10 weeks before we become a party of 5. Oh My God. I hope there's a lot of booze at that party.

So here's what has to happen before #3 debuts.

1. Move queen bed from guest bedroom to Rylan's room.
2. Buy queen bedding for Ry's new bed
3. Move Sawyer's crib to the guest bedroom for #3
4. Move Rylan's twin bed to Sawyer's room
5. Paint guest bedroom
6. Sell Armoire in guest bedroom on craigslist (oh, craigslist, I'll touch on this in a sec)
7. Drink a shot or two of whiskey because I can't deal. I feel like my life is freaking musical rooms

As I mentioned in #6, I've been listing things on craigslist as a way to make room for the new things that we need/get rid of things we don't. You know, nest. Now craigslist doesn't have a section for "hormone crazy preggos that are trying to nest"...it's just called "items for sale" in the "baby/kids" section. Craig should think about making a change. This way, assholes would know what and who they're dealing with before they sent an idiotic email inquiring about an item. Seriously, Lifetime, get ready to write the script for Craigslist Killer part 2. I'll be the star. I'm going to kick someone's ass.

Let me just paint the picture for you so you can have a better idea of the conversations I've had in the past week. Honestly, I've had more enlightening conversations with my two year old:

A question from a buyer regarding this post titled "Babies R Us Pink Chenille Glider w/ Ottoman - $225 (Costa Mesa, CA)"

You ready? I really can't make this stuff up. Here it is:

Buyer:"Where are you located and can you tell me how much?"

Now, I did go to college (and kindergarten for that matter) so I know how to read and I know that this woman could have answered her own question simply by reading the headline of the ad. I mean, is she blind? What a waste of freaking space.

Here's another one:

My Post: "Babies R Us Chocolate Brown Suede Rocking Chair and Ottoman - $225 (Costa Mesa, CA)"

Buyer: "hi. do you still have rocking chair? is it supper comfy?? I will buy it today what is your absolute best price? and where abouts are you in costa mesa?

Me: "$225 is actually my bottom line. the set was purchased for over $500 so it's a great deal. we're in eastiside costa mesa/newport heights area...just off the 55 south. let me know if you're still interested."

Buyer: "yes. i am interested."

Um, ok. WTF!? Dear buyer, are you trying to drive me crazy? Because, you've succeeded. And, BTW, "super" is only spelled with one "p" you moron.

For the record, this guy was never heard from again. Who does that!?

Here's the thing (and I know this post is turning into a rant so I'll wrap it up here shortly) shopping on Craigslist means you're already getting a deal. Wanna know why? Because your cheap ass would be paying full price if you were buying it from the store. So, if you're shopping on craigslist, chances are you are already getting a discounted price. Don't ask me what my best price is. The price listed IS my best price. Take it or leave it.

I'm going to end it with that thought. I can feel my blood pressure increasing. God forbid I get preeclampsia and this baby arrives "supper" early. Here's to the next 81 days. Bear with me.

New Year. New Post...New Ass.

It happened. I was sailing along beautifully (if I do say so myself). I was being cautious, but not obsessed. I was enjoying every bite. But not EVERY bite. And then "BOOM!." Just like the smack of the big girl dropping her tray at the all-you-can-eat buffet, I got fat. I don't know what happened. I mean, I know it has something to do with the holidays. Even after Christmas dinner when I had eaten so much that I could barely migrate from the table to the couch without emitting a whale song...I still asked for pie. I couldn't help it. It was a homemade pie. It was going to go to waste and I just couldn't stomach it. What's worse, is that after that one slice of pie that sent me in to a tailspin of discomfort and gluttony, I couldn't just throw the rest of it away. We kept the box in the fridge and had a slice a night after dinner for a week. We finally threw it away two nights ago. But it was too late. The damage was done. I realized last night that if you listen carefully at meal time, you can actually hear me "moo-ing." I no longer eat from a plate. I eat from a trough.

Here's the disappointing part. I've had two pregnancies where I truly have eaten everything in sight. All discipline out the window. I mean, with Sawyer, I stopped counting my weight once I gained 60 pounds because I was so disgusted with myself. It truly got ugly.  AND, because I've done this two times before, I know how hard it is to lose the weight after the baby comes. Gone are the delicious memories of that third slice of pie you ate from the trough after your second helping of Christmas dinner. All that's left is that pesky stretch mark and extra roll (and I'm not talking dinner) that you have to spend the next 6 months cursing at the gym.

So where do I go from here? Now that I've realized that my dreams of living out the remaing 12 weeks of pregnancy looking like Nicole Richie have gone down the hatch like that last slice of pie? Well, for one, I'm strongly re-thinking that maternity photo sesh that I swore I'd finally do this time around. I mean, unless Theresa has the latest magic version of Photoshop...because, really!? What am I going to do with a few 11x14 bovine-esq shots of moi? Hang them over the mantle? No thanks. And, sorry 22 loyal readers, because it's my blog and I have the power, probably no more week by week (I know, this hasn't been the case...I'm more on a post-every-7-week sched now anyways. Forgive me, the kids are playing in the liquor cabinet now as I type. I'm a little busy.) belly pics. I'll leave you with a few today just so you don't feel you've been given the shaft...but other than that, pics are going under strict lock and key until further approval (photoshop editing) from me. Did you know you can smooth out a double chin!? I do. Because I've actually had to request this. A few times.

Here it is...in all it's glory. Just one EZ-Take-out burger away from a natural disaster...

27.5 Weeks

And just so you don't think I'm one of those girls that talks about how huge she was but really wasn't...here's proof that I was massive when I was pregnant with Sawyer.

Go ahead. You can gasp. I do. Honestly, the pillow should say "Food Magnet."

And since we're having so much fun, here's a pic of me one week before I delivered Sawyer. Brace yourself.

 See!? I cannott tell a lie.

Ok, and finally, because I believe we should end on a positive note...Here's our Christmas pic this year. I was like, I don't know, 16 weeks pregnant or something ridic. I thought maybe I'd stay this way and be one of those "only-pregnant-in-the-belly-type preggos." Yeah, not so much. Happy New Year folks.